Book: 20211105 to 20211205, "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck

 I: DISCIPLINE

20211105 - Problems and Pain 1

Life is difficult. We need to admit this, then we can face it bravely, then embrace our lives.

Problem will get solved only when we have the courage to face it. If we don't want to face it, then we will fall into the delusion our brain build for us. Our brain always can find a way to explain the external environment and our situation.

Our spirital growth comes from problem solving. This is the reason that we should not stay in comfort zone: there is no enough problems waiting for us to solve. The tool to solve problem is discipline.

20211105 - Delaying Gratification 18

The ending is much more important than the procedure. - "Thinking, fast and slow"

If we can go through the painful work first, then we can enjoy the happy ending, which will stay in our memory. And painful work or study is critical to happy ending.

So, deplaying gratification is critical. Is this decided by gene or parenting or external environment?

20211106 - The Sins of the Father 21

After reading "The Nurturing Assumption", now I know that external environment is more important than parenting. Children trust their peers more than their parents. The feeling of valuable is from peers, not from parents.

High quality time spend on children doesn't convince them that their parents love them. I believe this is something belongs to subconsciousness. If we spend a lot of time with a boring game, we are more likely to "love" it. If children spend a lot of time with their parents, they are more likely to love their parents.

Will they affected by their parents because they love their parents? I doubt it. Adults and children belong to different group. I appreciate the courage someone shows in a story, doesn't mean I will show similar courage in real life.  I will think about it, but not likely to copy it. This is what "The Selfish Gene" says.

Time management is more about habit, and less about descipline or valuable feeling. -  "The Power of Habit"

Delaying gratification means sacrifice short term benefit for long term benefit. Again, this is a lot about external environment. We only delay gratification if we believe that the long term benefit will not "disappear". Maybe this is the reason that the companies in China don't want to invest in long term goal.

20211106 - Problem-Solving and Time 27

Immature decision is harmful, but the much worse one is inaction.

We thought we could not solve some problem, but normally we just need more time. To do better than 95% of people, we only need more on purpose practice which takes time. However, to do better than 99.99% of other people, we need both talent and practice.

For most of people, if they are not sure about some problem, instead of analyze it and then take action, they normally choose to sit and wait. One of the major reason is, they got distracted easily, then their subconscious choose to ignore the problem.

This is why companies need CEOs, and army need general. Most of parents don't do much to help their children even if they noticed the problems.

Why Elon Musk is so competent? He turned most of employees in Tesla and SpaceX thinking and then taking actions!

20211106 - Responsibility 32

Should I handle it or not? Is it my responsibility to handle it?

There are millions of excuses stop us from doing it, if we don't want to do it.

20211106 - Neuroses and Character Disorders 35

Neuroses always blame themselves, Character Disorders always blame others.

Everyone has these problems, more or less. It's part of our incorrect perception. We don't know what we can do to solve the problem, or what is caused entirely by external factors and no much we can do.

The driven factor is the strong willingness to change ourselves to solve the problem.

20211106 - Escape from Freedom 39

Freedom means responsibility. Responsibility means (short term) pain.

For an adult, he/she almost always own freedom, to some extent. Unexpected issues may happen to us, but we can choose how to cope with it.

If we let other people to make decision for us, we actually give our freedom away, to boss, society, parents, etc. Then we avoided the short term pain, but still have to take the result. If the result is bad, we get good reason to blame other people/society/environment. However, we forgot that we are free to choose how to cope with the problem.

So, never blame anyone else for our own problem. We are free to choose what we want to do.

20211108 - Dedication to Reality 44

The perception could be correct yesterday, but that doesn't mean it's still correct today. Everything is changing all the time. So the correct perception is: accept that the world is changing, and prepare to change our view of the world.

That's part of the reason that we are always wrong. We can only make ourselves less wrong through painful struggle.

PS: Is this book all about perception?

20211108 - Transference: The Outdated Map 46

Mr Peck made a mistake here: he only interviewed the patient, and didn't contact the patient's parents. I think most of the patients would blame other people for their problems, and the easiest scapegoat they can find is their parents.

The solution is also far from perfect. The easier one is to admit that our view of the world is wrong, but we can make it less wrong if we try hard.

20211111 - Openness to Challenge 51

The chapter reminds me of the book "Lying by Sam Harris". Lying sacrifices long term benefit for short term one. The cost is high, and often keep growing because of compound rate.

It's painful to be honest to ourselves. Lying to ourselves builds illusion which gives us misperception. Sooner or later, when this illusion conflict with reality, we are in big trouble.

The courage to face reality is the first step. No other options.

"Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman! by Richard Feynman" must have further discussion about it.

20211112 - Withholding Truth 59

Mr Peck listed a lot of rules here regarding when we need to withhold truth. I don't think that's feasible.

The easier one I use: keep it minimum.

Kids are not that weak, and in morden society it's not a big deal to let other people know some personal "secrety". "The 48 Laws Of Power by Robert Greene" is outdated in most of the cases.

20211114 - Balancing 64

Balancing means giving up.

Many things seem important, but they are not.

What does really matter? Ego does not. Money does not. But health and relationship do. The right perception does.

Giving up is painful, but it's necessary. We have to give up the minor things to get the major things.

For example. We only have 24 hours a day. If we don't want to give up web surfing, movies, games and fiction books, then we don't have time to read, to work, to experience new stuff in life.

20211114 - The Healthiness of Depression 69

Depression means pain. Sometimes we don't know where it comes from, but normally it's necessary for growth. Growth means sacrifice something we own for something we need.

What do we need to sacrifice? Almost everything. This is not option. We have to.

We are mortal. So, we will give up everything sooner or later, like it or not.

But we can have different reaction. We may accept it peacefully and do what we can do, or we may reject the change and insist the old pattern, which cause infinite pain.

Once we decide to give up the old situation and embrace the new situation, we would focus on the positive reaction we can do. That will make us happier and grow quickly for the long term.

20211116 - Renunciation and Rebirth 72

Phoenix Nirvana? 割肉饲鹰!

To pursue the true self, we have to give up our body and mind.

No loss, no gain. We have to realize our ignorant and mistake to learn, and then get a better self.

Discipline is critical, but it's at perception level. It's about our "mind". Meditation is at spirit level, which is not related to mind.

II: LOVE

20211118 - Love Defined 81

Love is about the spirital growth of self and others. It's action, not intention.

The one who cannot love themselves, also cannot love others. ("卧冰求鲤"; have great ambitions for one's child)

Love is not just feelings.

20211118 - Falling in "Love" 84

"The extension of one's limits requires effort; falling in love is effortless." -p77

"Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience. Falling in love is not. " -p77

We can control our reaction, but we cannot create/change our feeling. So, no rush about instinction.

20211119 - The Myth of Romantic Love 91

Romantic love normally doesn't last for long time. Real love is based on the respect of independance.

Maybe this is the reason that M. Scott Peck think open marriage is a good idea. I think it only suits if both side are fully matured person. That's quite rare.

20211119 - More About Ego Boundaries 94

The feeling of falling into love, orgasm and drugs is real. But the feeling itself is not love. It's bliss of one second, but real love keep us stay in the plateau of bliss.

When we stay in a flying plane, we are moving very fast. But that's not because of our capability. It completely relys on external factor. Real love doesn't rely on external stuff.

20211120 - Dependency 98

Independence is the prerequisite of love. Independent people have the capability to "give" instead of "only receive", it gives people liberate.

Dependency is not love. It destroies love/relationship.

20211120 - Cathexis Without Love 106

Hobby is mean, not the goal. This even applies to meditation.

Love is not just about "say yes", it's also about "say no". The decision is based on whether helps with other people's spirital growth.

20211121 - "Self-Sacrifice" 111

What is spirital growth? It's the ultimate aim of love, it's the growth of capability, perception and identity, it's stay in the uncomfortable zone, it's effort of improvement.

20211121 - Love Is Not a Feeling 116

No matter how strong the feeling is, if there is no action, then the love feeling is just illusion. We may use this illusion to deceive ourselves that we love someone, but forget to act on it. This illusion is harmful.

20211122 - The Work of Attention 120

Love is effort, which means a lot of work.

Lazy people cannot love other people.

20211122 - The Risk of Loss 131

Joy always come with cost. Pets die. Is it wise to avoid pets to avoid the pain? No.

But it's hard to travel around the world if have pets need to look after.

Cost is fine, but we need to calculate the impact/risk carefully. Pain is normally OK.

20211123 - The Risk of Independence 134

Self-improvement is the mean. Self-love is the basis and goal, and it needs to be free choice.

Self-improvement needs courage and effort. It means step out of comfort zone, and go into unknown future. For me, migrating to another country is risky, but one of my best choices ever.

20211124 - The Risk of Commitment 140

Commitment means trust. Trust of other people, and get other people to trust ourselves.

If there is no trust, our lives would be hard. Low productivity. No fun.

If there is no trust, it's impossible to grow spiritly. Trust is the basis.

20211124 - The Risk of Confrontation 150

Confrontation is necessary. Our spirit cannot grow without confrontation.

We just need to keep this in mind: most likely, we are (at least partly) wrong.

20211125 - Love Is Disciplined 155

Energy means attention. We only have limited attention, so our love have to be disciplined.

Love without discipline is distructive.

20211126 - Love Is Separateness 160

Love in marriage means trying our best to improve myself, and at the same time, trying our best to improve the spouse. Marriage will get better if both sides are grow spiritly.

Love in community, family, etc. are same. Both the individual and the relationship need to grow. They are both important.

20211127 - Love and Psychotherapy 169

Is love mean or goal? I think it's both.

To some extent, psychological analysis happens all the time to everyone. If someone is too lazy to do that, problems arise. So, "think ahead, think hard" should be with one more bit: "think all the time".

Thinking represents attention. We need to pay attention all the time.

20211127 - The Mystery of Love 180

To me, "love" is the result of gene revolution. It's controlled by our gene, which brings in best interest to the survival of our gene.

III: GROWTH AND RELIGION

20211128 - World Views and Religion 185

The reason that we conflict with each other is because we have different opinion of something. These opinions are our own illusion. Quite possible our opinions are wrong, but we don't think so. We believe that only our opinion is correct which can bring in the best benefit to the world.

So, how to avoid war? Admit that we are wrong. Then we can get less wrong.

20211128 - The Religion of Science 193

Dr. Peck didn't believe in Bible. But he seems like the idea of "God".

Maybe this "God" is similar to the one in Buddism: we can reach it when we stop our mind.

20211129 - The Case of Kathy 197

Some people are more likely to get influenced by other people or MEME. Some are not.

Maybe it's not about religion, but more about the survival of gene. Normally groupness helps us to survive, but sometimes it makes a group hard to adapt to the new changes.

What should we do? The First Principle. Questioning is always good.

20211129 - The Case of Marcia 208

Bible is not good, althought the concept of GOD may help.

Maybe, GOD is part of our subconscious. A kind GOD makes life much easier.

20211129 - The Case of Theodore 210

Most of the rules are just our imagination. They are created to maintain the order of our society. But they are quite far from "good enough". This includes the rules created by Bible.

If our mind is not restricted by these rules, we get much more freedom, much more power, and much more happiness.

20211129 - The Baby and the Bath Water 221

The goal is spirital growth. This can be done with or without religion.

It's not wise to change someone's religious belief. And quite often it's not necessary.

20211130 - Scientific Tunnel Vision 225

Things are getting interesting now.

To Dr. Peck, it's more about meditation than religion, because he focuses on "attention" here.

I got the same feeling.

IV: GRACE

20211201 - The Miracle of Health 235

To me, this miracle thing is just "chance" and big data analysis.

Survive from dreadful traffic accidents is not miracle, because there are 1.37 million death related to traffic accidents every year, and much more got serious injuries. If 0.01% of the people survived with minor injury, that's 137 people per year.

Big data analysis leads to unconsciousness.

20211202 - The Miracle of the Unconscious 243

Don't agree with Dr. Peck here. Unconsciousness is not always correct. There are a lot of traps designed for our unconsciousness, such as PUA.

To minimize mistakes, we need to listen to both sides.

20211202 - The Miracle of Serendipity 25

Dr. Peck believes that there are too many coincidents. I don't think so.

Some people are very sensitive. They keep looking for the relevant stuff that they have interest in. These people would be more lucky than others.

This is how big data analysis works.

20211203 - 3 The Definition of Grace 260

Are we separate identity, or part of a whole being?

From gene's point of view, there are many levels of identity. The self doesn't have solid "wall" at the boundry, instead, it's "fense". More or less, our relationship with external stuff, is like individual ants. They have separate body and mind, but also part of a whole.

20211203 - The Miracle of Evolution 263

It's not miracle.

Entropy change is not one direction stable change. It may form local inverse entropy for a short period of time.

It deems to be short time live. Maybe this is the root cause of Fermi Paradox. Great Filter will come to us sooner or later, just like the asteroid which killed dinosaurs.

Multi-planetary species has much, much higher chance to go through most of the Great Filters.

20211203 - The Alpha and the Omega 268

What "The Selfish Gene" says is a much better alternative hypothesis than God.

We follow what gene commands, more or less.

20211204 - Entropy and Original Sin 271

Our only original sin is laziness. p260

So we often choose the easiy way instead of the correct way. We are too lazy to think, too lazy to think hard, and too lazy to act.

Our real enemy is not other people or our personalities. It's the laziness itself.

If we don't take effort to grow, we will keep sliding down like water. This is based on the rule of entropy.

20211204 - The Problem of Evil 277

Evil means someone act on consciously for entropy. It hates "love/order".

As it completely against our gene's ultimate purpose which is survival, evil normally cannot last for long time, or not easy to spread to the next generations.

Evil exists, but not a main threat to modern society and people.

20211204 - The Evolution of Consciousness 280

Most of the mental illness are caused by conflicts between conscious and unconscious. Dr. Peck think that our unconscious is GOD. But if that's true, then the creatures that almost don't have conscious must use their body directly as the agent of GOD. Is it better?

Consciousness is the result of intelligence development. It helps us to handle the external environment quickly and accuately. We can avoid natural traps through our intelligence. But the consciousness also caused some problems such as mental illness.

The ultimate goal of our unconsciousness/gene is survival. That's why it reminds our consciousness if there is something could be wrong. But it's not GOD. We cannot rely on it to direct our actions.

Then the ultimate question is still there: what should we do? What's our final goal?

20211204 - The Nature of Power 284

Full awareness doesn't guarantee success. More information helps, but we also need more knowledge, better strategy to reduce risk and to increase the reward.

"God" may fail, but it doesn't affected much. Instead, we can learn from the failures, and get mastery eventually.

But the one with full awareness is alone. There is almost no one can match up. But I think, with the help of internet, it's much better. However, maybe they don't need it.

20211205 - Grace and Mental Illness: The Myth of Orestes 289

Admitting our ignorance, recognize that our perception is far from perfect, know that we made many mistakes, realize that there are a lot of things that we need to learn.......is the first step to grow our spirit. It needs courage and wisdom to reach that stage.

Many unfortunate things happen to people. If people refuse to take responsibility to handle them, they start to get mental illness.

20211205 - Resistance to Grace 297

When our spirit grow, our power grow as well. But more power means more responsibility and more stress. Not everyone want to take that much responsibility and stress.

The power doesn't come over night. It needs long time hard work. Again, not everyone wants to work so hard.

But, when we get used to the hard work, it's not that hard.

In most of the cases, hard work means spend more time thinking, or even think all the time. We can get used to that quickly. It sounds hard, but it could be exciting and we would be happy with the reward.

20211205 - The Welcoming of Grace 306

We don't know how to reach Grace, and we don't know why some people can get it. Just like we don't know why some people like reading, and why some people have much better self discipline, and why some people feel curious about the world, and why some people are sensitive to defect(imperfect).

One thing for sure: if we don't pursue it, we will never get it. And if we don't know the existence of Grace, we won't pursue it.

So reading is the first step. It's always good.